


Expecting and not

by YungWenLean



Category: Ginga Eiyuu Densetsu | Legend of the Galactic Heroes
Genre: Discussion of Abortion, F/M, Fertility Issues, Menstruation, Pregnancy, Rape/Non-con Elements, Unplanned Pregnancy, seriously girls Reuenthal is BAD NEWS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:29:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27333445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YungWenLean/pseuds/YungWenLean
Summary: Four women. Four pregnancies, possible pregnancies and non-pregnancies.
Relationships: Elfriede von Kohlrausch & Oskar von Reuenthal, Elfriede von Kohlrausch/Oskar von Reuenthal, Evangelin Mittermeyer/Wolfgang Mittermeyer, Frederica Greenhill/Yang Wenli, Reinhard von Lohengramm/Hildegard von Mariendorf
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	1. Hildegarde

**Author's Note:**

> Me: aaaah october is over I don't have to write a fic a day  
> Also me: actually it's really fascinating how reproduction and pregnancies work in the context of LOGH 
> 
> The lyrics are from the song version of A Thousand Kisses Deep by Leonard Cohen

_Confined to sex we pressed against_

_The limits of the sea_

_I saw there were no oceans left_

_For scavengers like me_

_I made it to the forward deck_

_I blessed our remnant fleet_

_And then consented to be wrecked_

_A thousand kisses deep_

Hildegarde von Mariendorf was in her old room. This wasn’t a case of crawling back to your safe space when life was turned upside down. Hilda wasn’t here to ask her dead mother for advice or hug a teddy bear. She just wanted to find an old essay she wrote in Health class. 

When Hilda went to school, abortion was legal, but frowned upon. To get one you had to go through a humiliating process of asking for permission and talking to a counsellor. The requests were always granted, but the process was obviously designed to make you feel like a dirty, irresponsible human being. The Lohengramm law reform didn’t make abortion more accessible, but removed all unnecessary steps, that was the overt explanation for many other changes in the laws. The new ones slimmed down the costs of the administration and at the same time gave people more freedom. Now you didn’t have to explain why you weren’t on the pill, now you didn’t have to tell a stranger what specific sexual acts you were participating in, and why you didn’t choose to say “do you have a condom?” like you had rehearsed in Health class. No one would force you to tell them if you loved that man. When Hilda was supervising the change she never thought that this would in any way apply to her, but here she was, having every possibility to abort the heir of the Lohengramm dynasty, without anyone asking any questions.

Years ago, as a combined Health and German class assignment, they had to write a short story about a pregnant woman who considered having an abortion. Hilda remembered that even back then she was outspoken about the right to terminate a pregnancy without having to present a specific reason. She remembered her essay as an agitated and non judgemental pro-choice piece. She was laughing now that she reread it. The main character was an utterly responsible young woman, in a long term relationship, whose contraception had failed. Between the lines, HIlda could read that while she wrote this, she could never imagine herself being one of those irresponsible floozies who had sex with someone they were not in a relationship with, who weren’t on the pill just in case she’d slip and fall on a penis, and who couldn’t say “I’m not using protection, we should choose a different sexual practice” if she found herself in a man’s bed.

All those decisions that she knew were wrong seemed like the only possible option – at the moment, and afterwards. He needed her. He needed her in that specific way, and suggesting mutual masturbation or any other clever option for responsible women wasn’t an alternative. There was no point in asking if he had condoms, it would be as meaningful as asking Reinhard for tampons or baby wipes. Sneaking out to the nearest convenience store was a very funny thought, as was asking a friend if he could lend them some rubbers, but neither were the decent or possible thing to do in the situation. She could have taken the morning after pill, but she was too shaken up to do that, and a bit afraid to be recognised at the pharmacy. Stupid, certainly. The Hilda who wrote the essay in Health class would fight for her right to be stupid, but she’d judge her too. Hilda today could judge that young Hilda for being naive, but she knew better than that.

Hilda today, the Hilda who didn’t ask for a condom, didn't ask if they could do it some other time, the Hilda who went straight home, avoiding the pharmacies – this Hilda had to make up her mind. She was pretty sure that she already had. She just needed some time to get used to the new weight on her shoulders.


	2. Elfriede

_You ditch it all to stay alive_

_A thousand kisses deep_

It took some time for Elfriede to realise that she was pregnant. Her period was late, yes, but since the Civil war, she hadn’t been eating properly. Or sleeping properly. Or really done anything beneficial to staying alive. She had a lot of time to read now, and Reuenthal’s library had a selection of books on psychology. She’s learned that there is something called a death wish, an inner longing for death that motivates your actions. She’s learned that there was something called survivor’s guilt, the feeling that you do not deserve to live when others have died. She has learned that when you’ve been traumatised you can have out of body-experiences and behave with little concern for your own life. 

When she came to his doorstep, she was ready to die. More than that – she longed for death, his and her own. When she couldn’t kill him and decided to stay, she felt like it was a part of the same route. This way, sooner or later they would kill each-other. Instead, they created a new life. And she knew now that her staying with him did not spring from a death wish, but from a desperate will to survive. Leaving him would be suicide. 

It took Reuenthal a little bit longer to realise that she was with child. He had never been a gentle lover, but now he got even more rough with her. Like he was trying to fuck the baby out of the uterus, an almost intolerably literal act of symbolic self destruction. Elfriede watched those acts from a distance – she has learned that it was called dissociating. Two bodies, both strikingly beautiful, perfect specimen of their sex, in a violent act. Once this act had led to a start of a new life. Now they were repeating it over and over again, like it would reverse the conception of the child inside of her womb, and then, if they just kept going, it would reverse her own conception, and lastly his. Neither of them had mentioned abortion. They were both lying to themselves and to each-other. They didn’t really regret anything.

Elfriede watched the man and the woman on the bed. Her blonde hair whipped his face as she threw her head backwards. He held her down. She scratched his arms. Every muscle in his body was visible in the candle light. She arched her back. His thrusts got harder and harder. Two perfect beautiful bodies, both moving together, they could have been actors in a successful pornographic film, men and women alike could dream about being them. There was a scream and there was silence. He pulled out, pushed her away, sat up on the edge of the bed, looking at the blood from a scratch on his arm. 

“Get out,” he whispered. “This is disgusting. I’m disgusting. I wish I was dead!”. He hits the wall with his fist. The woman didn’t flinch at his sudden movement. She looked at him with contempt.

“You’re disgusting because you’re a coward and a fake. You don’t want me to go. You don’t really want to die.”

Slowly, to annoy the man as much as possible, the woman sat up and started getting dressed.

“You’re a fake too, you don’t want to leave, you don’t want to die, you don’t want me to die...” he was winding himself up. “What do you want?!”

The woman looked at the man, she had her dressing gown thrown on, and it fell down her shoulders when she shrugged. An expert in Reuenthal torture, Elfriede started to walk towards the bathroom and spoke in a low voice, with a hint of a sneer that he could hear even if he couldn’t see her.

“You make me sick. You can’t even rape me properly. I  _ enjoyed  _ that.”


	3. Frederica

_You win a while and then it's done_

_Your little winning streak_

Frederica was known to be a person who read up on everything to be prepared for any possible situation. She got that from her mother. From her father, she got a good sense of when to stop thinking in advance. She liked not having to invent the wheel, and avoid wasting time coming to conclusions that many people had drawn before her. Frederica and Yang were alike that way, good at thinking on their feet because both had seen the answers to the questions before. For Yang, it was usually history. For her – whatever area that was concerned. When she decided to join the military, she read up on being a woman in a male dominated workplace. As a newlywed on Heinessen, she read everything she could about political history, but also about pregnancies and children.

She and Yang were thinking alike, and without talking they agreed not to try for a child when they were on Heinessen. Things could change swiftly, and both knew that a pregnancy could complicate an escape. When they settled down on Iserlohn, they decided that it was the time to allow nature to have it’s way. They were planning to stick around for a while, and if they meant what they said about creating an independent state, then it meant that this was a safe place for a child to be born.

After years in the Fleet, Frederica was used to working with men, and didn’t reflect on that on a daily or even a monthly basis. However, she made a mental note when she fainted at work. She had been unwell for several days, and because she was surrounded by men, nobody had asked the most obvious question. Frederica was certain that it was not out of politeness, but simply because things like that were not on top of their minds. Exhaustion was much more obvious to them, and it became the official reason.

She and Yang had talked about the possibility of a pregnancy, of course. Her periods could be irregular when she was stressed, and this round was not really due yet. If she was pregnant, then it was great news. If she wasn’t, there were more chances. Whatever was the reason for her sudden sickness, she needed the rest and there was no point of celebrating or worrying in advance.

When your period was irregular, it was hard to know when it was too late to be a normal delay. Frederica could feel some soreness and bloating in her abdomen and breasts, the kind of pain she could have when she was ovulating or just before her period, but no blood came. One day, she decided that she would give herself a three day deadline. If her period didn’t come, then she’d take a pregnancy test. The second night, she woke up bleeding. It could be a regular late period. It could be one of those early miscarriages that she had learned were common, and often mistaken for menstruation. Either way, it didn’t matter anymore. Her fever was declining. Soon she could go back to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't mean to go all melodramatic with this. I'm just saying that if there was any other woman close to her, the first question would have been "are you pregnant?". But LOGH is a boys' club.


	4. Evangelin

_I guess they won't exchange the gifts_

_That you were meant to keep_

The first two years, they didn’t really try. They did everything that they would if they were trying, of course, but they didn’t check with a calendar. When nothing – but a red stain in her underwear every month – happened for two years, they started trying as much as possible to match the best odds. They tried, and then Wolf left for another assignment, and two weeks later, she would once again see the stain. She sent Wolf a short message stating that the vermin had once again struck the apple tree, and he would come with a consoling reply as soon as he could.

She went to the doctor, of course – a highly uncomfortable, but necessary procedure. The doctor said that there was nothing wrong with her. She tracked her cycle and learned to dread the beginning of every month. “It’s April already!” people around her said, and she knew that it meant another red stain, another completely wasted chance or another message to Wolf about the apple tree.

Wolf was on the news, and Evangelin talked on the phone with his mother about her great son. Evangelin knew what news his mother was hoping for every time. She kept keeping to a healthy diet, getting fresh air, avoiding alcohol and tobacco. She kept going to the doctors who found nothing wrong with her. “Don’t beat yourself up,” Ragnhild said. “Maybe he’s the one shooting blanks, has he been to a doctor?”. Eva was immensely grateful for having an old friend to talk about this to. 

Evangelin went to a fertility clinic and asked what the next step would be. Could they figure out what was wrong with them. The doctor told her that they would look at hormone levels and sex cell vitality after a couple had been trying for a year. Eva said that they had tried for years. The doctor said that he meant a year in a row. If that didn’t work out, then the Mittermeyers were welcome back to the clinic. Eva tried to explain that her husband was in the military, but the doctor just shook his head and said that conceptions didn’t care about what excuses people had for not trying long enough. 

The clinic called her two days later and apologised, asking if she wished to go back and talk once again. From the tone of it all, Evangelin concluded that it took them a couple of days to realise that the sweet simple woman they met was married to  _ that  _ Mittermeyer. “Screw them,” Ragnhild suggested. “There are other doctors”. Evangelin decided to bring up the subject when she and Wolf saw each-other again, but then she found out that they were moving to Fezzan. Evangelin decided to wait a little more, to try a little more, and to visit a doctor close to their new home.

A year… Evangelin tried to remember the longest that she and her husband had spent together. A couple of months, maybe. Even if he was on the same planet, he could be away from home weeks at a time. The move to Fezzan might mean the start of a new life, she thought, but of course, the end of the old war seemed to bring forth an even greater tragedy for her husband. She knew that he didn’t have to go, but she understood why he chose to. The night before departing, they made love and when he held her in his arms afterwards, Wolf suddenly spoke on the subject that they had been avoiding for a long time. “I’ve been out a lot. It’s not a healthy place, with all the rays in space, and the radiation on the ships. I’ll have a checkup when I’m back. Maybe it’s me who can’t…”. Eva pressed her fingers to Wolf’s lips and nodded. Why did he bring that up now, of all times? 

A week after he left, the spot was there again, and she sent the message. She watched the news, as always. She called Ragnhild who thought that Wolf talking about this was nothing to give to much thought. “You fleet people are so superstitious. It doesn’t have to mean anything, you know. Maybe a friend of his has had a baby, and it got Wolf thinking?”. This calmed Evangelin down. Ragnhild was right, she was used to overthinking everything that happened before Wolf departed. Maybe he, just like her, was longing for the war to be over, and to try, to hope, side by side.

For years, she had dreamed about becoming a mother, and Evangelin thought that she had imagined it all. Doctors, nurses, hotels at vacations, a month going by without the spot appearing, calling Wolf and telling him that the tree was in bloom… She didn’t expect a phone call informing that Wolf was coming home not just with hope, but with a child. A healthy, beautiful baby boy. She rushed to the bathroom to freshen up before her husband arrived. There was a fresh red spot in her panties, and she sighed and picked a new pair and a pad from the closet. She threw the bloody panties in the laundry, without thinking. She had a lot to prepare before her family came home.


End file.
